The self-esteem paradox

“Love yourself,” “be confident,” “you deserve the best” – these phrases are familiar to everyone. Such slogans fill popular self-help books, success seminars, and personal growth courses. Today, it’s widely believed that high self-esteem is the key to happiness, a successful career, and harmonious relationships. In reality, things are not so simple: when the pursuit of this “ideal” self-esteem turns into a race, it can lead to unpleasant consequences. The constant chase to feel “on top” makes us more vulnerable to criticism, comparisons, and other people’s opinions. Instead of confidence, anxiety often takes over – because one small misstep can make you fall from the height you climbed yourself.

ELLE O’zbekiston explores what healthy self-perception looks like and why it may be better to replace the concept of self-esteem with healthy self-acceptance. 

How self-esteem works

Self-esteem is not a fact but an opinion we form about ourselves based on our achievements, appearance, surroundings, and others’ attitudes toward us. Crucially, these opinions are shaped by how closely our lives match certain predefined standards – for example, beauty industry ideals or society’s notions of success. A simple example: your height, eye color, or age is a fact, but any thoughts you frame in evaluative terms – such as “I’m not good enough” – are opinions. Opinions are unstable and often change depending on external circumstances. In trying to “rate” ourselves, we rarely rely on our own values and inner compass – instead, we compare ourselves to (often unattainable) societal standards.

photo: Kaboompics.com, pexels

The consequences of chasing high self-esteem

Excessively high self-esteem may seem like a dream – it’s associated with confidence, courage, and a strong sense of self-worth. But in practice, it often distorts reality. A person may stop evaluating their actions critically, ignore feedback, overestimate their abilities, and take on challenges they’re not prepared for. The constant desire to live up to inflated standards quickly leads to emotional burnout: all energy is spent trying to be “perfect,” leaving no room to simply enjoy life. This can result in mistakes, conflicts, and painful disappointments, as any mismatch between expectations and reality is perceived as unfair. With inflated self-esteem, even well-meaning advice can feel like an attack, and a minor setback can cause emotional emptiness and a deep sense of inadequacy.

photo: Luiz Milczwski, pexels

Not evaluating, but accepting

From this perspective, self-esteem is a destructive and potentially dangerous construct. Self-acceptance works differently: it’s not about “Do I like myself right now?” but about agreeing that you have the right to be different – with successes and failures, strengths and weaknesses. While self-esteem depends on external conditions and comparisons, self-acceptance is an inner anchor that remains even when circumstances change. It fosters a sense of consistency, stability, and independence – from people, events, and standards.

How to build a healthy self-acceptance system

There are several recommendations on how to give up constantly evaluating yourself and take the first steps toward self-acceptance:

• Stop measuring yourself by achievements

Try to focus less on society’s markers of a “successful life” and more on your own definition of success and happiness – which can be unique to you, and that’s okay. Identify what is truly valuable and important to you.

• See yourself as a whole

Recognize your strengths while also accepting your weaknesses as a natural part of who you are. Only by seeing yourself fully can you understand your capabilities and better identify areas for growth.

• Practice self-support 

Speak to yourself gently and respectfully, especially in moments of failure.

• Acknowledge mistakes 

Let go of blame and self-punishment. Focus not on the mistakes themselves but on the lessons you’ve learned from them.

• Don’t compare yourself to others

Everyone’s journey is different – the key is to evaluate your results based on your own progress, not someone else’s.

• Allow yourself to be imperfect

Keep growing and trying new things without fear of making mistakes – history shows that many great discoveries and masterpieces were created thanks to errors and unconventional approaches.

For more on the concept of self-acceptance, you can read here.

photo:Anastasia Shuraeva, pexels