Getting angry is nothing to be ashamed of

Many of us grew up with the belief that getting angry is bad. From childhood, we were taught to "not shout," "not get mad," "be good," and smile even when we were boiling with anger inside. As a result, when we grew up, anger became something shameful and unacceptable, especially for women. But in reality, anger is not a destructive force – it’s an important signal that should not be ignored. 

The editors of ELLE O’zbekiston explain why there are no such things as "bad" emotions and what your anger is trying to tell you.

The nature of emotions 

Emotions are not weakness or a hindrance; they are an evolutionary mechanism that has helped animals and humans survive and adapt since ancient times. For humans, emotions are more complex than for animals, but the foundation remains the same. For example, fear warns us of danger, anxiety pushes us to prepare for uncertainty, and anger defends boundaries and highlights injustice. The importance of emotions is physiologically proven as well, since various parts of the human brain are responsible for emotions. For example, the amygdala controls fear, while the hypothalamus, prefrontal cortex, and other brain structures regulate anger.

Each emotion we experience serves an important function, and the primary role of emotions is to protect us from potential threats and dangers. By suppressing emotions and denying ourselves the experience of feeling them, we lose touch with our inner selves. Understanding and accepting our feelings is a step not toward chaos, but toward inner harmony and psychological resilience.

Possible causes of anger

Sometimes, anger can feel like the "wrong" emotion, and we often feel ashamed when we get angry at circumstances, at others, or even at ourselves. However, it’s important to understand that anger doesn’t arise without cause. Anger is the body’s signal that something is happening that threatens our sense of safety. We become angry when we feel we’ve been treated unfairly, when our boundaries have been crossed, or when we experience pain. Sometimes, anger reflects more complex emotions – sadness, hurt, or helplessness. 

For example, we get angry when people ask tactless questions or comment on our behavior or appearance without being asked to do so. This is a completely normal response to an invasion of personal space, and feeling anger in such situations tells us that we are not willing to tolerate such treatment.

Anger does not make us "bad" – on the contrary, it helps us recognize that something is wrong and gives us the energy to defend ourselves. The key is not to suppress this feeling, but to learn to listen to what it’s trying to tell us.

Healthy ways to process anger 

Although psychologists today increasingly speak of the importance of properly experiencing anger, the question of how to process it healthily remains open. This often leads to destructive processing of emotions, where people – consciously or not – violate the boundaries of others while trying to defend their own. Destructive expressions of anger and attempts at self-defense often manifest as unprovoked insults and toxic behavior towards others; such behavior is far from conscious emotional processing and harms not only others but also the person choosing this strategy. 

It’s important to understand that defending one’s boundaries should not come at the expense of violating the boundaries of others. Several simple steps can help you healthily experience anger without harming yourself or others:

1. Acknowledge the anger. Simply admitting to yourself, “I am angry,” already helps reduce tension. Naming and recognizing the emotion activate the brain’s rational mechanisms.
2. Let yourself feel. Anger is not a "bad" emotion; it’s simply a signal. Try to understand the cause of your anger; allow it to exist.
3. Move. This may sound simple, but taking a walk, running, dancing, punching a pillow, or exercising can be extremely helpful – these physical activities allow the body to release accumulated tension and process the stress hormones and adrenaline released during anger.
4. Breathe deeply and slowly. Slow breathing calms the nervous system and reduces the intensity of the reaction. For a stronger effect, you can explore mindful breathing techniques or practice meditation.
5. Verbalize your feelings. Say things like “I am angry because...,” “I’m feeling angry right now because this happened...” – formulate what you are experiencing and try to express it. Your words mustn’t sound like accusations but describe your personal emotions (for example, not “they made me angry,” but “I am angry because…”).
6. Speak about your boundaries. Calmly explain what upset you and what you expect in the future – this is an important skill for protecting yourself without aggression. However, your companion must be open to listening.
7. Scream (but safely). For example, into a pillow, in the car, or in any secluded place where you feel comfortable. This helps "let off steam" without directing your anger at people. Singing lessons or going to a concert where you can sing loudly along to your favorite songs can also be very effective ways of releasing pent-up emotions.
8. Draw, sculpt, create. Channeling anger into creativity is a powerful way to transform energy. In psychology, this mechanism is called sublimation – when socially frowned-upon emotions are expressed through creativity.
9. Seek support. Talk to a psychologist or confide in people who won’t judge you. Sometimes words of support from loved ones help you cope with anger far more effectively than other methods – it’s important to be heard and accepted as you are.
10.  Seek professional help. If you feel that anger is taking control and nothing helps you manage it, and you increasingly engage in destructive behavior that you later regret (such as yelling at others or harming yourself), don’t hesitate to seek out a psychologist. There is nothing shameful about this, because when we suppress emotions for too long and fail to devote enough time to ourselves, it can be difficult to return to a comfortable state. In such cases, it’s important not to delay and to seek help as soon as possible.