Emotional swings

Emotional swings in relationships remain one of the most sensitive topics for discussion. Many are familiar with the feeling of being on cloud nine with a partner, only to suddenly be plunged into anxiety, loneliness, or even fear. These fluctuations can create dependency, confusion, and emotional exhaustion. Often, it's not just about passion or a partner’s “complex personality,” but rather unhealthy attachment patterns and a lack of emotional safety.

Becoming aware of this dynamic can help break the cycle and build a foundation for stable, healthy relationships.

Why it happens

Emotional swings often come from attachment patterns formed in childhood. According to attachment theory developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles tend to build unstable, drama-filled relationships. For example, a person with anxious attachment constantly seeks proof of love, while their partner may pull away – this push and pull creates the emotional rollercoaster.

Another common cause is unresolved trauma and fear of abandonment. In this case, closeness can feel threatening – a fear of losing oneself – while distance feels like a rejection. This triggers a cycle of emotional whiplash, where you feel deeply connected one moment and unloved the next.

Emotional swings can also be a form of manipulation, especially when narcissistic traits are involved. The partner may offer warmth and affection one moment, only to suddenly withdraw or devalue you, creating dependency and emotional instability in the other person.

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Why are emotional swings addictive?

Emotional instability activates the same biochemical reward systems in the brain as drugs or gambling. In relationships like this, you never know when – or why – you'll receive a "reward" (love, attention, validation), so your brain overworks to try to predict or “earn” it. When endless jealousy, fights, and conflict are suddenly replaced with brief moments of affection, the joy of finally receiving love feels even more intense than in healthy relationships, where love is consistent. As a result, people get hooked on the emotional high, needing it to feel valued.

A common example: imagine your friend is dating an abuser who constantly argues with her, insults her, and is irrationally jealous. But whenever she tries to leave, he suddenly changes – gifts her expensive presents, huge bouquets, and swears he’ll change. She believes him. He behaves well for a few days, then reverts to his old ways. The cycle repeats. No one around her understands why she doesn’t leave – and neither does she.

Psychologically, this is tied to a lack of basic emotional safety and the need to feel worthy through another person. Healthy relationships, by contrast, seem boring or “fake.” 

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How to choose healthy relationships 

Addiction to toxic relationships is a complex issue that requires patience and a holistic approach. Below are some helpful steps toward breaking codependency and choosing healthier dynamics:

1. Acknowledge that this isn’t love but addiction. The emotional highs and lows, anxiety, constant waiting – they’re not intimacy. They’re pain-based attachment. Naming it is the first step to freedom.
2. Ask yourself: What am I actually getting from this relationship? Fulfillment or suffering? Warmth or stress? Presence or uncertainty?
3. Define what healthy love means to you. Peace, reliability, mutual respect, and emotional support – write down your values in relationships.
4. Let go of fantasies. Stop waiting for them to change. Pay attention to their actions, not their promises.
5. Listen to your body and emotions when you’re around them. Even if your brain blocks out the problem, your body won't lie. Constant anxiety, stress, weight fluctuations, irregular menstrual cycles, or even skin issues may be signals that this person is not right for you.
6. Start choosing yourself daily. Eat well, rest, go for walks, seek support – even small actions restore your sense of self-worth.
7. Set and speak your boundaries. Establish rules for how you expect to be treated: “I want decisions to be made together,” “I won’t tolerate being ignored,” etc.
8. Learn to build on stability, not drama. Codependent toxic relationships often feel exciting, full of big emotions, grand gestures, and intense courtship. But it’s just a shiny wrapper that hides pain, manipulation, and anxiety. Healthy love may not feel as dramatic, but it’s steady and respectful. At first, “healthy” might seem boring – but soon you’ll realize that peace is not the absence of love, but its most mature form.

Seek therapy or support groups. Leaving these relationships is difficult, even when you see the problem clearly. Reaching out for help isn’t weakness; it’s a step toward breaking the cycle and building healthier patterns when choosing a partner.